I find no state of being quite as deeply insulting as insomnia.
Because it isn’t just about being awake; it’s about the knowing the state I’ll be in the following day. I know exactly what 3PM is going to look like when I’m up at 3AM, which is immediately stressful, bringing a tide of adrenaline that self-perpetuates the situation. Oh sure, I might drag myself into work, but by 11:30 I’ll be struggling, and by 2PM consciousness falls and the world drifts into a haze of low noise and deep inner struggle.
It’s not like I’ve come here dishonestly: the world’s very often a madhouse, lacking logic or structure: and the most challenging part is the breakneck speed I must employ in order to stay on top of everything, which doesn’t give anyone ample time to really soak it all in, so of course everything comes bubbling to the surface after I’ve had a bit of sleep.
Only at 3:30 in the morning can I properly contemplate the subtleties of inequity, brutalities of narcissism, and Crocs. I don’t think they’re shoes. I do find comfort in the fact that no matter how crazy The World is, MY world is a little bit better, if for no other reason than that it’s smaller than the entire world, so it wins, comparatively, by scale.
I’ve developed a few tricks to get to sleep; they aren’t great, but after a few hours or so they each seem to work.
Sometimes I practice the alphabet in American Sign Language, left and right hands at the same time. I give myself challenging phrases and try to fingerspell them. I keep forgetting how to sign “x”, “f”, and “p”, but there’s not really a great phrase with all those letters in it anyway, since nobody faxes anymore.
Corn flakes are good - not the frosted kind (too much sugar). I’ve had some success with reading, but it’s hard finding a book interesting enough to get into but not so intriguing that you can’t quite put it down. And it’s difficult to be productive or accomplish anything that requires a clear head, like writing or music scoring, because at least that part of my brain is absolutely asleep.
I try to stay away from my phone and computer, but then I discovered ASMR: if you haven’t heard of it, it’s little online films that maximize the intimacy of the medium by mimicking eye to eye contact while employing soft, nearly whispered dialogue in roleplaying situations that are supposed to be, on the whole, relaxing. They cut your hair or give you a vision exam or demonstrate the many sounds they can create on a nearly impossible range of interesting objects purchased at a nearby Target.
In my opinion, in all the internet there is one person really good at it; her most effective strategy is a very convincing imitation of genuine empathy:
“You look so tired!” she’ll say, brow slightly furrowed in worry.
“You work too hard. You deserve a vacation!”
The warmth of my enthusiastic agreement lulls me right back to sleep.
It doesn’t seem to really matter what I do; time isn’t finicky – it eats whatever I feed it for 90 minutes or so and then leaves me about half an hour to snooze before the cats wake me up for their breakfast (which I find particularly unsympathetic, as they literally sleep all the time).
What works best for me is just thinking. I usually pick a word and begin free associating. This week the word was infrastructure.
I started with bridges; there are some around here so unstable that entirely new structures have been built around them just to keep them standing. Then I drifted through the Key Utilities (gas, water, power, internet, phone) and all the Essential Services (housing, sanitation, education, transportation) and then commerce… all the little plastic pieces you would need if Catan was an actual place.
If I was on a farm, I’d have to provide all that for myself. A well for water, solar panels for power. I’d have to build a house and buy a truck – a big one, for hauling… I’ve never really hauled before…I’d probably need to learn how to haul…on the commercials it’s always logs…so I’ll guess I’ll need an ax or a chainsaw or something –
– if infrastructure represents the building blocks, the basics, then what constitutes our personal infrastructure? (Beyond food and water and, y’know, sleep.)
I think we truly need empathy; we have to care. And we need passion and courage, because we have to want something, and we have to be brave enough to try new things. Empathy stands against despair, passion stares down apathy, and courage conquers ego.
That would be a good base to build on.
Yawn.
Ok, cats, I’ll feed you. Good grief. look at the time. It’s actually a little chilly.
Yawn.
Thanks, Summer. See you next year. I’ll be sure to tell winter you said hi.
a.s. summer.