Last Saturday was “soda fountain day”, something we celebrate every year; also, a product of our desperation to create “staycation” events during the lockdowns. Most of these have taken the form of obtaining an ICEE slush drink and novelty straw, then giving ourselves conspicuous brain freeze outside in front of the 7-11. But in recent years, we’ve staged taste tests between classic sodas.
This week the contest was between Sprite and 7up. We did not include Sierra Mist. We purchased a 16oz plastic bottle of each at the gas station mini-mart down the street. To fulfill the “obligatory learning moment requirement”, I briefly narrated the historical cultural significance of the competing brands, (though, as not to influence the judging, I did wait to share Geoffrey Holder’s wonderful laughing commercials). Then we carefully tasted each, passing the bottles between us like exquisite hobos.
It’s a great hot summer day activity, and a treat mostly because we don’t really drink soda, not for any hoity-toity reason but because none of us have a consistent taste for sugar (except for cake – we all love cake (even though we only put in half the sugar most of the time to offset the icing. (Mmmn. Icing.))) We do enjoy candy on Halloween. And holiday cookies.
It’s just that soft drinks are really sweet. And chemically complicated. I might be able to guess the molecular composition of potassium citrate, but calcium disodium EDTA seems more than a bit obscure. Yet the most mysterious and commonly added ingredient we found on soda labels was “natural flavors”. After a lengthy family discussion, we agreed that, in a court of law, onions, tree bark, and potato bugs would all fit the category of a “natural flavor”.
Why be so vague on the labeling if there’s nothing to hide?
[#MontyPython-Crunchy Frog]
Between the three of us, we only drank about 2/3 of those 16oz bottles before we capped them and got glasses of water. We have this under-sink filter thing that takes out loads of rust and stuff so it’s really delicious. I mean, we’re not hippies (probably), but we lean toward necessity over convenience. Hydration is necessary, High Fructose Corn Syrup is not, it kinda actually makes me thirsty, it’s super intense, I mean, we sweeten our tea with maple syrup. (ok that does make us sound like hippies). Anyway, the simplicity of water honors necessity by perfectly integrating form and function.
I’m thirsty.
Here, have a glass of water!
Situation. Resolution.
It’s the situation I’m always confused about with the invention of contemporary potable liquids. For instance, there’s a new hard seltzer on the market with Vitamin C. So that’s water, that’s carbonated, with alcohol, a touch of fruit, and for some reason – Vitamin C.
It’s a convenient answer to those times you’re thirsty for a juice box, a shot of vodka, and an Emergen-C packet. The overwhelming awkwardness of ordering that drink at a bar, and the subsequent embarrassment at being asked to step outside and perhaps find an alternative bar, has been completely taken care of by this product, and I, for one, very much enjoyed checking that box off my list of immediate concerns.
Also, there’s a coffee made with 85 superfoods, including berries, mushrooms, super greens and probiotics. It does not come in a pumpkin spice variant, proof the developers are serious about nutrition, but the core question is why drink 85 things? Is there no clear alternative? Two smaller drinks of 40 and a bump of 5 things maybe?
Is nature’s true evolution absolute convergence? I mean I remember when you couldn’t bring a liquid into a bookstore because everything there was made of paper, and now bookstores sell liquids. I was ok browsing without coffee because I needed two hands to open the books I was looking at. Maybe it’s old fashioned, but life is already pretty complicated, and I just don’t want what I don’t need. Even if it’s convenient.
Robert Fripp, the incredible guitarist and human being, wrote about Honoring Necessity; to me, that’s finding the water in everything. Underneath the chemicals and flavoring there’s water in there somewhere. In art, poetry, and high magic, water represents emotion.
This is the sixteenth in a series of sixteen columns; I want to thank each and every one of you for being part of this. I wish I could send you hats or t-shirts, but I don’t believe I chose a brand name that would be very good for you to wear everywhere. I so very much appreciate that you’ve appreciated these, and hope that they’ve been refreshing in a water kind of way. Every so often I wanted them to be fancier; at most you can be absolutely sure that they honestly reflect my “natural flavor”.
Sprite won, by the way. Sorry, Geoffrey. Next year I wanted to go for a Cragmont Pop Olympics, but Safeway doesn’t make it anymore. In any case, enjoy a cold one this holiday weekend, in the hot sun, if you can. By cold one, I mean, glass of ice water, of course, because, as previously mentioned, I’m probably kind of a hippie.
Thank you for your time.
See you next week.
H20MG.